Before I begin, let me explain what is happening to me. The technical term for what I am is called an eidetic. You’ve probably heard of people with photographic memories, well that’s what it is, except eidetics are not limited by the visual sense in what they remember. While each case varies in their specific capabilities, feelings of sound, taste, smell and touch can also be vividly recalled at any time. Some eidetics are also known to have the ability to see what they are thinking. This is the category that I belong in.
I have to admit, this ability does have its perks. School is a breeze because I can see my notes next to every exam that I take. I’m able to bring up happy memories that I’ve had with friends and family to help brighten their day. Whenever I get bored I can read books that I’ve read or watch TV shows that I’ve watched in my head.
Seems cool right? At least that’s what people tell me. I wish they were right.
What they don’t know is that I would give anything in the world to be rid of this.
The way that my vision works is that in addition to what my eyes actually see, my brain overlaps whatever I’m thinking of over this and the result is a combination of the two. Therefore the effect of my “mental vision” is limited during the day because my actual vision interferes with it. But whenever I go to bed, and the room is totally dark, my mental vision is given free reign of what I see.
Now one might ask, why is this so bad? As long as you think of pleasant things this must be a very relaxing way to go to bed right? This is true if you have complete control over what you are thinking about at all times. I don’t.
I’m sure you’ve heard the normal creaks and groans from your house at night and you think that maybe someone or something is walking around in the dark. Fear swells in you for a few seconds, but after a minute or so of nothing happening, you are able to shrug it off as your imagination and go to sleep. What I see prevents me from making that assumption. For example, as I sit here and type this, I’ve just heard a creak from the top of my stairs. The face of a man now peaks around the doorway, looking into my room. As I shift in my blanket, I see a black hand slowly rise from the end of my bed and rest on my foot. By now the man has walked a few feet into my room and just stares at me, expressionless. And here we will stay, until I finish typing this and try to sleep despite the feeling of his eyes on my back and the fear in my stomach.
Why do I torment myself with these images? Well have you ever heard someone say that if you tell someone not to think of pink elephants, the first thing they think of is pink elephants? It’s like that except I’m telling myself not to think of monsters in the dark.
Some nights are worse than others. Some nights the things I see talk to me and tell me things about my life that I have regretted and tell me that I’m a horrible person. Some nights I am able to ignore their claims and go sleep. Some nights I listen and realize that they are right.
I’ve tried suicide. But whenever I try, I get flooded with images of my family and them crying and I chicken out. I then go back and get tormented by my own visions every night. I’m convinced that if there is a hell then this is it.
I have to try to sleep, there are more in the room now and I can tell it’s gonna be a bad night.
Credit To – Brian
*This was successfully rewritten and has been posted on the main archive – read it here!