Everyone left. I thought nothing of it at first, everyone loves a party or at least everyone but me. I was invited numerous times but I wanted to be alone so I declined. They looked at me with worried faces but left. I got online to talk to some of my friends but no one was on. I shrugged it off thinking it was simply bad luck.
I stayed up late doing nothing in particular just because I wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. It was past curfew and the dorm was eerily quiet as if no one had come back yet. I figured maybe they had just gotten back and I had forgotten about it and now everyone was asleep. The silence was uncomforting.
The next morning I texted my mother but got no reply so I called her instead but she didn’t answer the phone. I decided to walk around just out of curiosity, to calm my nerves that there would still be people around. There was no one outside. I walked to the cafeteria but still I saw no one. I shrugged it off. It’s the weekend and everyone is probably out having a good time. I never really see many people on the weekends anyways. I tried to call my mother again but still there was no answer. I called my dad and again there was no answer. I called my friends, I tried everyone on my contact list and no one answered their phone. My breath quickened as I could feel myself having a panic attack. I needed something to calm my nerves something to prove that I wasn’t alone in this world.
I quickly jumped in my car and drove to Wal-Mart trying not to think about the fact that the parking lot my car was in was empty. There’s got to be someone there, there’s always someone there. I rationalized myself as I sped down the empty streets. I wanted to scream as I ran inside the building, and I did. “Hello?” I yelled out hoping for some employee to come see what I want and quiet me down. But there was no reply, no one rushing to see who was yelling. I tried again and again, each time getting louder and louder. “Hello? Hello! HELLO!” I was screaming now. My lungs were sore and my throat was dry. My voice could no longer form words instead I just screamed as tears flowed from my eyes. So it’s true. I’m alone. My legs collapsed under me as my body pressed itself against the floor. Wal-Mart’s are always so filthy. A piece of glass was on the ground beneath me and cut into my cheek.
A sharp ringing ran through my ears sounding very similar to a young girls laugh. As the pain in my cheek grew stronger the sound became more distinct; a little girl was laughing at me. I looked around desperate to see where the sound was coming from but I saw nothing. I haven’t even been alone that long and already this experience has caused me to go mad. I crave for human interaction so badly that I’m hallucinating and hearing voices of people that aren’t there.
I couldn’t take this. I ran away from the laughing voice and hid myself in the bathroom. I stopped in front of the mirror once I caught my reflection. I clutched on to the edges of the sink as I stared at myself in horror. My face was pure white except for the shard of glass reflecting my blood as it dripped down to the floor. My eyes were wide and glazed over filled with fear as dark circles layered themselves underneath as if I hadn’t slept in months even though I had a full night sleep just last night. I really must be mad that’s the only reason for there to be such a strong difference in myself so quickly. This is how bad I felt, so this is the way I see myself. I pulled the piece of glass from my cheek wincing from the pain and quickly washed off as much blood as I could in the sink before pressing my jacket sleeve against it to stop the bleeding from continuing. The thought of stealing even a single bandage didn’t cross my mind as I calmly walked out of the store and back to my car.
I drove back to my college dorm, parked in my usual spot and went to bed. The day was only just beginning but I was so extremely exhausted that I couldn’t stand for another minute. It was night when I woke up. I could feel the crusted blood on my face and wanted to take a shower. I hated feeling dirty. There’s usually a radio playing in the bathroom and since its December I’m used to hearing Christmas music blaring from the speakers when I open the door. But as I walked in there was only noise coming from a shower that had not been completely turned off. I shut it off and turned the radio on before getting into the shower.
I accidently nicked myself with the raiser as I was shaving my legs and as I did I swear I could hear someone humming along to the song on the radio. I know it’s my mind playing tricks on me again but I see a pattern and I guess I was mad enough to test it. I cut myself again; intentionally this time, and then I heard the bathroom door slam and footsteps walking inside. I wrapped my towel around myself and rushed to look around; I looked in all of the bathroom stalls, all of the showers, and I even ran to look out in the hallway but still I saw no one.
I panicked as I ran into my bedroom and ripped open my drawers looking for something. In the top middle drawer I found it; a small red box filled with safety pins, needles, and more importantly a razorblade. I was never good with pain you see, the mere thought of it is enough to make me flinch back in fear. So I didn’t think. I closed my eyes and strongly waved the blade across my bare legs. I could hear again. But this time it scared me. This time I heard a man’s voice grunting and swearing from outside my door. I live in an all girls dorm. I looked up at the ceiling before opening my eyes, not wanting to see my bloody legs and feel the pain to its full extent. I crawled over to my door whimpering as my legs dragged against the carpet. I pressed my ear to the door to listen and still I heard it; a grown man grunting and swearing right outside my door. My hand was shaking as I lifted it to the handle and slowly turned it. For a while I waited listening to make sure the noise wouldn’t go away like all the others. Once it stayed I slowly opened the door and peaked through the small crack.
There he was, another person, standing right before me. I quickly slammed the door and flicked the lock shut as my breath quickened and I was beginning to have another panic attack. This indeed was another person. But I wouldn’t call him alive. I’m guessing he was like me; he could hear the voices if he caused himself pain. He had a large knife and there wasn’t a part of his skin that showed without blood. Even his eyes were filled with blood. I cried for this man. He would not last much longer. He would die soon. I cried for the man, but even more then that I cried for myself. Was I so desperate for another person that I would do that to myself just to hear a moment of sound from another? Feeling the blood slide down my legs and seeing the smear along the carpet I knew my answer.
I wanted to kill myself and if I had a gun I would. Guns weren’t allowed at college so my fate was sealed. I would end up bleeding to death from self infliction just like the man sitting outside my door. I knew he wasn’t dead yet. I could hear him still. I wanted to comfort him, show him he wasn’t alone. But even if I did it would be too late for him to survive anyways and to be honest, I really didn’t want to. This man frightened me. He showed me what my death would end up looking like. I despised this man for showing me such hideous incite. Everyone thinks they want to know how they will die but no one really does.
I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to have another look at the dying man. So I left out my window now extremely grateful for being on the first floor. It used to frighten me. I was afraid someone would use it to sneak in, in the middle of the night. But I guess now I had no reason to worry because there were no longer people in order to sneak in.
The clothes I put on and the razorblade in my pocket were the only possessions I took with me. I didn’t need a phone because there was no one to call anymore. I didn’t need a wallet because there wasn’t anyone to take the money. I got in my car and drove off I’m not sure how fast I was going I only know that my foot was pushed against the floor and wouldn’t go any farther.
I just needed to try something. I was mad I could no longer deny that and now I guess you could say I was proving it. At the end of the road was a familiar brick building large and stable even though it had been empty for some time. It was a retirement home; it used to be warm and friendly but had grown harsh and frightening over time. I used to love the eerie look but it but now as I was headed for it as full speed my heart shuttered in fear.
3…2…1…I closed my eyes as my car crashed into the building and my unseatbelted body was flung from my seat. First the windshield, then the crumbling brick walls, then the floor where it came to a rest. And I could hear it. I could hear it all. I could hear people gasping and screaming as they looked upon the crash and my newly mangled body. I could hear police sirens and ambulances as they came to find me. I managed to open my eyes and I saw them. I saw the people with horrified faces, the medical unit with unhopeful looks, and the police men with the typical stone cold expressions. I could see it all. But as soon as I saw it, it started to fade away.
The expressions became blurry to the point I couldn’t even tell they were there. The bodies became a mix of swirling colors that slowly faded to gray. Then that was it. I was blind again. My eyes had fallen shut and I couldn’t open them again. Even worse than that, soon after, the noises started to hush as well; they went from a roar, to a whisper, to nothing at all. I was blind, I was deaf, but if there was still one good thing out of this, it would be that the pain in my body is starting to fade as well. My body is becoming as numb as my thoughts become harder to control. I think…I think…this is my death…

Credit To – Brittany N. S. Noonan
Credit Link - omishowku@yahoo.com

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