CRAPPYPASTA

For those pastas that are smelling less than fresh…


“Hi, Mom”

| 26 Comments

DERPNOTE: This pasta has received enough upvotes to be featured on the main site, but I am waiting on the promised rewrite as per the comments.

It’s 11:08pm

Peacefully, yet lightly, your sound a sleep in your bed. It’s the kind of dream that is so good, you can’t tell if your awake or dreaming.
Right when it gets to the good part…

Someone whispers your name through the slight crack of your door.

Startled, you look around and try to to shake off your sleeping voice.

“Yeah?!”, you say with some anger.

“Can I come in honey?”

You slowly sit up in your bed, and with a sigh, you say, “Yeah sure.”

She slowly walks in, still having sleep in your eye, you barely make out your moms figure.

Concerned now, you say “What’s wrong mom?”, noticing some hesitation while she makes her way to your bed side. You go to turn on your lamp…

“No no no, don’t turn on the light. I don’t want to wake your little sister.”

She then sits on the chair between you and your sisters bed.
At ease, you then lay back and ask a relevant question pertaining to your last.

“What happened?”

“Well I couldn’t sleep thinking of what’s about to happen to your sister.”

Your expression changes and your heart skipped a beat.

“Wait…what?”

She then says, “Don’t worry, you’ll be…” Something interrupts your mom. You can tell she’s no longer looking at you, but behind you, at your door.
You slowly turn to look at your door, only to see long hair and a feminine figure. It’s your mom, standing at your door.

“Who are you talking to honey?” says your mom at your door.

Your confused. You slowly turn your head back to look at your mom, still sitting in the chair between the beds. Silently.
You then reluctantly start to reach for your lamp. As you do, your supposed mom at your beside starts to growl, no longer sounding like your mom.

Your lamp turns on, only to reveal a creature, your worst nightmare, sitting at your beside.

Credit To: Nathaniel

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  • derpbutt

    I like the basic idea, but I just feel like something about the flow is a bit off and could be refined.

    Maybe a bit more attention to punctuation and some work on making it feel less choppy. I understand that you were going for the bare bones style that was popular at the beginning of the Creepypasta meme, and I appreciate that (short and sweet is underappreciated lately), but something about this pasta just left me feeling like it could be better.

  • Hamster

    Definitely has been potential. One of the better I’ve read lately.

  • S&D

    I definitely liked the idea, and like derpbutt said, the short and sweet style was a very refreshing change of pace. The only thing I can suggest is cleaning up punctuation and phrasing things just a little bit differently. For example, instead of,
    “Startled, you look around and try to to shake off your sleeping voice.
    “Yeah?!”, you say with some anger.”

    you could change it to something along the lines of, “Startled, you glance around the room, seeing nothing but black. You sit upright and clear your throat.
    “Yeah?” You ask sharply.”

  • Nathaniel

    Thanks for the help guys. I’m working on it :)

  • Sarah

    I think this has a lot of potential, it’s a very creepy story. I might change the line ‘what’s about to happen to your sister’. Maybe she says at the beginning not to turn on the light because it will hurt her eyes, then say ‘what happened to your sister’ just as you hear the scream of your real mom down the hallway coming from your sister’s room. Just a thought, because the ‘what is about to happen’ line kind of jarred me a bit out of the fictional dream. By changing it to a past tense act makes the reader stay in that suspended state of being into the story. Also please make not that ‘your’ is not the same as ‘you’re’, and you make that mistake a lot through this story. Cant wait to see the re-write, very spooky!

  • Poodleinacan

    Instead of “[You’re] confused.You slowly turn your head back to look at your mom.”
    you could have written “Confused, you slowly turn back your head to your mom” or “Confused, you slowly turn back your head to look at your mom” or “Confused, you slowly turn your head to look at your mom”

  • YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE USERNAME!

    Magnifique.

  • Dave Taylor

    I really like this story, but it desperately needs the changes people are discussing above. I hope there’s a rewrite coming.

  • Black Dahlia Smile

    Agreed, I really look forward to the rewrite. :)

  • JohnPawn

    Remove the last two paragraphs. They ruin the flow of this story. Also, many grammatical errors have taken place in this story. Fix them immediately or your teacher will give you a 0.

  • warrior_chicken

    i like this and its a good story, mabey use creepier language and setting

  • The Doctor

    *Gives thumbs up* *Gets world to applaud for someone coming up with a good pasta*

  • http://verizon.net Curcle

    This makes me a bit uneasy

  • SmileforGlasgow

    This story is wonderful. It’s idea is original and creepy. However, the end was just barely hanging off of a cliff. If you can just change that a bit, this story will be perfect. But even now, I see no reason as to why this isn’t posted on Creepypasta. It doesn’t belong here. Thank God for ADMIN FAIL

  • R

    This pasta definitely has potential, but there are mistakes in grammar and punctuation that can’t really be ignored. If they are fixed, then the pasta would improve tenfold.

  • mr.crappypasta

    best crappypasta (creepypasta) ever ENOUGH SAID

  • Syrento

    I would like the permission of derpbutt to attempt to give this story a re-write, as there is no contact information I would hope he will respond to this comment.

    • derpbutt

      I am not the author. I am just the admin. I cannot give you permission in the author’s stead.

  • http://Crappypasta Scarah

    I think it needs more detail it could be scary just you know more decription.

  • Faith

    I honestly think this could have ended better if you’d just ended with “it was my mom standing in the doorway.”

    I would have flipped a table and been totally creeped out.

  • Commando

    I say the pasta would be much better if you ended at “Who are you talking to, honey?”

  • Ms.Crow

    all in all, my dear friend, the basic idea of it is creepypasta material. the flow of the words, the words themselves, the way you tell the story, needs some practice. but this is extremely promising, perhaps getting a beta to proofread?

  • forgive but never forget

    Maybe if you didn’t just write “your worst nightmare” but went into more detail, this will definitely make shivers run down someone’s spine. Or, like Commando said, just leave it at “Who are you talking to, Honey?”

  • S

    Well, I definitely like this entry, but I’d suggest a tad bit more detail on the ending. Just, “a creature, your worst nightmare”, is a little vague. Some peoples nightmares are needles and heights, not just beings. Fix that, and you should have a winning Pasta.

  • SOME SILLY MOFO

    (*you’re) What about my confused?

  • india

    Wow not so scary but gives me the chills