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How to Gain Immortality


Hello, I am Regina. I’m going to tell you all how to gain immortality. It’s quite simple really.
Step 1: There is a place you have to go to, but to find that place you have to go through a mirror. To get inside the mirror, you have to lose all fear, turn off the lights, face away from the mirror, and fall back. Your “reflection” will be facing you, you’ll fall into their arms, and you’ll be on the other side. Once you’re there you will have to travel to you’r birthplace, except it will be not your birthplace but your “reflection’s” birthplace.
Step 2: Take a small item from the location, now be careful because the other realm is very dangerous.
Step 3: As quickly as you can get back to the mirror you first used in Step1 and get the fuck out before it’s too late.
Step 4: Let’s hope you took an edible item from the mirror because guess what… you’re going to have to eat it! It doesn’t matter what it is, you have to eat it. Eat it on the floor (preferably wood) in a circle of blue candles.
Step 5: As soon as you eat it you’ll find yourself in a dark room, there are things, evil things, they will be all around you, you must kill them with the knife that can be found in your right hand.
Step 6: Once you kill them you must drink their blood.  If you don’t you’ll be stuck in that room forever.  Once you do there will be a door somewhere in the dark that wasn’t there before. Open it and you’ll be facing the mirror you used in Step1, look at yourself. You have pale white skin, long white fangs, and you have forever lasting darkness under your eyes.
Now if you choose do follow these steps, I must tell you, you will watch everyone you love die, every night you will go out and hunt humans for blood, the sun will hurt you so you won’t be able to go out in the day, you will be sad and lonely. You, will suffer like I am suffering, all alone in this dark little room, permenantly locked up so I won’t hurt anymore people.

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  • Nobodyblues

    I’d rather your head be in your ass rather than your damn Twilight Books for this one.


    Hey… at least it’s not a Slendertwilight.

  • Yossarian

    No thanks. If I want to be a vampire, I’ll just get bitten by one the old-fashioned way.

  • ClockworkLizard

    I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but if you sparkle, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you. Good luck.

  • poodleinacan

    Vampires suck.

  • pinkamina

    Too much Twilight!

  • BlueFox

    Sounds like a bit too much effort just to end up as an extra in whatever “book” Meyer shits out next. I think I’ll give this one a miss.

  • A Zergling (Wearing a Top Hat)

    sorry, Zerglings cant become vampires

  • CarrotCake

    Wait, why does it say that you’d better have grabbed an edible item from the mirror world? I mean, if I were reading this as I were doing the ritual, I would probably grab a knife as a weapon and item, because YOU said that it was dangerous, so I would want something to protect myself on the way back to the mirror. It only mentions edibles at all in the fourth step.

    You said item too, and I don’t think that the first thing that comes to mind when someone says “item” is food. If I had to eat a huge kitchen knife, this whole ritual for immortality would be useless because I would probably just die while I tried to eat sharp, bladed metal and a plastic or wooden handle.

    All I’m saying, though, is mentioning a vital detail of a step after we’re finished doing it seems like a big middle finger to the reader.