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Jeff the killer vs The rake

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One cold winter night a man with black dress pants a white hoodie white leathery skin and a smile permanently carved into his face, clutching his knife in hand enters what he calls home but what many others call “The forest”. He has a vodka bottle in his hand and in the other a knife inside his pocket he had just finished slaughtering a couple who had just moved into the neighbourhood Jeff is now walking away from. The wind howls as though it was a wolf many insects chirping or making whatever weird noises they make Jeff chuckling like the madman he is. Jeff spots a flash of light as if from an animals eyes in the distance, but he quickly turns his attention back to his vodka with the warm liquid leaving its glass and into a psychopaths mouth. Throughout his night walk he hears many strange noises that no animal he has ever heard of made “probably just a dying cat” Jeff pondered, but the noises didn’t seem to stop wherever he went “ok im not a game playing type you mother fucker!” Jeff screams “come out I bet your awfully tired, do you need some help to GO TO SLEEP!” Jeff yells at the surrounding forest to no avail, hours pass and the noises still don’t stop ” come on fight me! fight!” copying the words randy had said to him many years ago, just that split second he finishes yelling a white, quadrupedal, naked man jumps out at him and tries to claw his chest but jeff has extremely fast reflexes and pins it to the ground and cuts it’s arm off a loud cry echoes through the night “what the fuck are you!” Jeff screams into its face ” I am The rake” it whispers in a sand-papery voice “I don’t give a fuck go to sleep!” yells Jeff but just then The rake kicks jeff off of him and slashes his forehead missing his eyes by a centimetre Jeff screams falling backwards blood is now gushing like a waterfall into his eyes, he wipes it away though and tackles the Rake and smashes a rock into its temple this only temporally knocks it out though ” i’m going to make you beautiful like me” Jeff announces as he carves a smile into the Rakes face forming an ear to ear smile the pain causes the rake to wake up and knock Jeff off of himself and runs into the distance “yeah you better run you little bitch!” yells Jeff but only a few moments later Jeff sees the rake running toward him so he runs right into its direction but its holding something… something very familiar to Jeff it was holding a handgun it must have killed someone and stole it off them Jeff thought as memories flooded back to him of Randy, troy and Keith them holding guns getting smashed over the head with a bottle of vodka that’s when it hits him he remembered he had vodka he turned around and picked up the luckily not smashed vodka bottle and pulls out a lighter he had in his pocket the whole time. Just as the rake got to Jeff he smashed the vodka bottle over hits head before it had a chance to fire the gun, the liquid had gotten all over the rake and as soon as the rake was up and growling at Jeff he threw the lighter at the rake and watched as it burned to death…or so he thought, the rake jump up and ran at Jeff ignoring the immense heat and knocked him to the ground, now Jeff was filled with rage his “feeling” had just hit overdrive he didn’t care about the flames he pummelled the Rake to the ground and started punching it in the face its teeth broke and fell out, until one final punch Jeff gave to the Rake it grabbed his hand and bit it Jeff still in insanity overdrive pulled out his knife and yelled “GO TO SLEEP!” as he drove the knife into its heart and the rake fell to the ground the surrounding plants leaves and trees had caught fire Jeff ran back out into the suburb and watched as the fire burnt down the forest Jeff ran to the graveyard in which his family was buried. When Jeff got there he looked for his brothers tombstone until he heard a voice he hadn’t heard in years “haven’t seen you for years you mother fucker” says the voice behind him “so your a killer now are you?” asks the voice smugly Jeff is trying to decipher who it is until he actually matches the two voices he has heard and immediately knows who it is he turns around a brown haired skinny man with a dopey face you’d expect a sidekick to have standing next to him is the fattest man Jeff had ever seen “I thought I killed you ass-holes” says Jeff “You only sent us to hospital then J.D.C for 12 years, in case you don’t remember our names I am Keith and he’s Troy Jeff immediately grabs his knife pulls it out of his hoodie to intimidate them at first but the memories flood into Jeff’s mind he turns and looks at Lui’s tombstone they helped randy break Jeff and tear apart his family Jeff is immediately filled with rage and pummels Keith to the ground and stabs him in the arm just like he did back in the day and then turns to Troy and stabs Troy in the stomach then the same with keith but just as he walks away he hears Troy yell out “I told you that guts will fly” just as he finishes he shoots in Jeff’s direction, missing him by only a metre Jeff swings around in time to watch Troy and Keith get up but when they do and what they do drives Jeff completely hateful of them Jeff stood there and watched while they shot down into the ground where Luis body in the coffin would be then they shoot the headstone smashing it to bits. Jeff not so much ran at them as he did sprint towards them and smashed them to the ground together he took one of their guns and shot them both clean in the forehead and with that they died Jeff dropped the gun and picked up his knife “Thank you for letting me help you GO TO SLEEP”

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Jeff the killer vs The rake, 4.7 out of 10 based on 36 ratings
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6 Comments

  1. It started really good, with vodka and rake carrying a gun… But the hell, man? The end was just retarded!
    Hard to tell if parody or just stupid. 5/10 – still hoping it’s a joke.

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  2. No time-travelling father and no shotgun named Pacemaker? 0/10, complete failure. New readers, stick with the original Jeff vs Rake story!

    http://www.crappypasta.com/jeff-the-killer-vs-the-rake/

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  3. i killed him fair and sqaure

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    • Poo off, you bum, bum head!

      I thought that would be the best insult to use given the probably age of “jeff the killer” whose caps lock button appears to be broken.

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