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Jeff The Killer Vs. The Rake

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JEFF THE KILLER
VS.
THE RAKE
Go To Sleep
I was on my way to Harvard University with my girlfriend, Kate. We were driving in the ’12 Mustang my dad bought before he was murdered. You see, I was a farm boy from Kansas *sigh* me and my dad would always set scarecrows in the field where he worked most of the year. My brother and I fought about who would set the scarecrow for Halloween that year (1997) about half a mile away from the farmhouse. I was chosen by dad to set it up. I carried the shitty little ‘crow through the field to an empty post. I climbed up, with the scarecrow on my back, and readied to fix the ‘crow unto the post. Just done with one hook, some… THING pulled from the post into the grass. I went down screaming, as that thing ripped the scarecrow apart. I was struggling to get the damned thing off my back, as that animal was pulling as hard as it could.
I finally slipped the scarecrow, still screaming for my dad. I could hear him yelling for me. I looked back and saw it. A man hunched over, with talons in place of fingernails. He appeared to be a starving old man, who looked to be over 100 years old.
He… sorry, IT charged me, as I looked into its black sockets for eyes. Dad showed with his sawed-off shotgun, “Pacemaker”, but it was too fast for him. One of its talons pierced his chest, while Pacemaker’s bullet pierced the old man’s chest. Both fell to the ground, dead. Or so I thought.
When the police arrived, they didn’t find that man’s body. Nor did they find any corpse at the crime scene. All they found was Pacemaker, which the police gave to me, and a sentence. It was a threat, left by the “Old Man”. “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill YOU!”
Anyway, we decided to stop in Ohio, overnight at a motel. It was crappy, but we didn’t care. We didn’t care the clerk smelled like diarrhea and alcohol. We were in love.
Immediately we jumped in bed and started to kiss. We embraced what little time we had at the motel. “I have to take a shower, I’ll be right back.” She walked into the bathroom; I fell back on the bed thinking about what we would do together. *Sigh* I pulled out an innocent looking box, opened it, and looked at the treasure that I would have presented to her. A beautiful ring topped off with two polished pearls. *sigh* Marriage would have been the best thing for us. If Jeff didn’t come along it would have been different. Somehow, he snuck through the bathroom window. I jumped up from bed when I heard Kate screaming. It wasn’t terror, no, it was pain and suffering. I slowly put my ear to the bathroom door, and heard, “Go… To… SLEEP!!!” I heard the knife plunge into Kate’s body several times.
The shower kept going. Her screaming stopped.
I heard the mirror shatter; then the intruder rushed towards the door punching a hole through. He kept punching down the door, ripping it apart trying to reach me. That’s when he stopped and looked at me, I saw his face. A creepy ass expression! “The Killer” had these dark little eyes with large dark circles around them. He wore this impossibly large smile on his face. Then he continued destroying the door down until there wasn’t any more door left to destroy. His eyes flashed down to mine, and he slowly walked towards me.  I slowly backed up, until my back met with the wall. The maniac stopped for a few seconds, then leaped on top of me, with his knife aimed at my heart. “Go. TO…”
I had Pacemaker out and aimed the killer’s testicles. “I’m going to your blow your balls all over this room. Now Get the Fuck off me!” He listened and got up away me. “Now drop the knife!” The evil bastard stood there with his mouth open,
“Die! Die! Die!” He shouted. The Killer leaped towards his knife. I aimed and I fired. He had snatched his knife up, and flung it towards my head. I deflected it and I fired again. He ducked; then he tackled me out the 1st story window, landing on the pavement. I bruised my heel, while he twisted his kneecap. I writhed in pain. “Ouch!!! Well, what are you…?” I looked back up unto my 1st story room, past the man I know as Jeff the Killer, and saw that “Old Man” from 15 years ago!
I failed to contain a scream, which woke up the tenant. He came out with a glock in his drawers, and covered with a hotel bathrobe.
“What the hell is going here? I’m trying to sleep!!”
Just as soon as he finished ranting, The “Old Man” did something impossible. He jumped off the 1st story floor, landed on his feet, looked toward the tenant, and pounced on top of him. I saw the way that thing dug into his flesh. Shots fired. The screaming ceased. Then I remembered the warning, “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill you!”
When he was done tearing apart the piece of meat that was the tenant, he faced me. Jeff barked, “Uh-Uh! I saw him first, you freak!” The “Old Man” slowly turned to face Jeff. “Yeah! I’m talking to you! What’re you going to about it?”
The creature charged Jeff in an instant, started slashing at his chest. Jeff kept swinging his knife at it, but that thing didn’t care. It knew he couldn’t really it. The Monster was too fast for Jeff.
“Hold still!” Jeff was getting pissed off. His swings were getting faster. But even the greatest killer makes mistakes. The “Old Man” finally got a sufficient hit in, and went for a gut blow to Jeff’s stomach. The Killer dropped to the ground.
“Well! Hit Me! C’mon! HIT ME!!!”
I fired Pacemaker at the “Old Man”. It instantly dropped to the ground. I couldn’t believe it. I finally killed that old bastard! I really did it! I then walked over to Jeff. He had internal bleeding, but it wasn’t serious. I kneeled over Jeff; the sick fuck was still smiling at me.
“Well, you got me kid. Are you going to finish me?”
“Nope. I won’t.”
I knocked Jeff out with the butt of Pacemaker. He wouldn’t trouble me anymore. But I know who would…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Credit To – Godzilla1954XD84Goji
Credit Link - http://www.youtube.com/user/Godzilla1954XD84Goji?feature=mhee

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Jeff The Killer Vs. The Rake, 4.4 out of 10 based on 47 ratings
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48 Comments

  1. The shotgun’s name is Pacemaker?
    Alright…

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    Rating: 4.4/5 (8 votes cast)
  2. You don’t deserve a gold star.

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    Rating: 4.4/5 (15 votes cast)
  3. “I was on my way to Harvard University with my girlfriend”

    Two things in this first sentence ruin the credibility of this story.

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    Rating: 4.6/5 (18 votes cast)
  4. “Go To Sleep” maybe I should. At least my dreams are enterteining… Even if on extremely rare occasions, they can become long and seamingly neverending, and can become a bit borring, they are still more enterteining.

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    Rating: 4.4/5 (7 votes cast)
  5. “I was on my way to Harvard University with my girlfriend, Kate. We were driving in the ’12 Mustang…” Woah my bullshit radar went off the charts, yeah….go back to your bedroom and continue to jerk off to pony fan fiction porn, and come back when you have written something that isn’t totally and utterly shit, k thanks.

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    Rating: 3.4/5 (22 votes cast)
  6. You chose the wrong focus for this story. You should have written about your time-traveling father. How else could he have died in 1997 and bought you a 2012 Mustang? Coolest. Dad. EVER.

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    Rating: 4.8/5 (25 votes cast)
  7. ———– —– —— — – - — – ——–
    Fuck the first two sentences. The “grabbing the reader to read more” was bullshit. Worst hook sentence ever.
    The “You see,” sentence was utterly bullshit as well. The focus on introducing your main character was terrible. Maybe have clues to introducing the characters, NEVER by statements. “Just done with one hook, some… THING pulled from the post into the grass.” First off, the suspense was crap. Maybe have a sound or shit like that.
    Didn’t even describe how it walked, didn’t describe what it even looked like for like….2 sentences. And random shit like that

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    Rating: 4.3/5 (7 votes cast)
  8. There’s a reason Harvard doesn’t offer Creative Writing courses…

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    Rating: 4.1/5 (8 votes cast)
  9. Best part of this story, besides the end, was calling the shotgun “Pacemaker”. Why would you name a gun after a small, implantable device, that keeps heart rhythm regular?

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    Rating: 4.6/5 (9 votes cast)
  10. I’m sure you really loved her, that’s why you made no effort to save her while she was being killed.

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    Rating: 4.6/5 (9 votes cast)
  11. This story should really be called “Jeff the killer and also the rake vs. Pacemaker”

    I agree with Yoss and hamster. The best parts of this story are the time-traveling dad, and pacemaker. I am tempted to write a story about an old man from Kansas who travels through time with his shotgun pacemaker and hunts down crappypasta monsters. It ends with him dying to save the world and his time-travelling car and the shotgun that slayed a thousand crappypasta characters end up in the hands of his douchebag son, who kills Jeff and the rake before his dad comes forward from the past, kills him, and passes the gun on to someone who deserves it.

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    Rating: 4.8/5 (16 votes cast)
  12. I like to believe that it was just a really old horse.

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    Rating: 4.4/5 (7 votes cast)
  13. What a brave man, you have thoroughly impressed me with your valorous rescue of your girlfriend, who you let die even though you loved her so much you were going to marry her. I can’t even call you an asshole, because assholes would have saved her so they wouldn’t have bought the ring for nothing.

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    Rating: 4.6/5 (10 votes cast)
  14. SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE A PETITION TO GET SHOGUNFISH TO WRITE THAT STORY. IT IS THE BEST STORY IDEA I HAVE HEARD ALL YEAR.

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    Rating: 4.6/5 (12 votes cast)
  15. ok first of all i like how your dad is from the future second of all if u loved kate SO much u should of saved her so why DID U NOT SAVE HER RETARD ok third of all WHY IN THE LOVE OF FUCK DID U CALL THE RAKE THE THING DUMB MOTHER FUCKER

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    Rating: 1.7/5 (11 votes cast)
  16. So, uh, just to get this straight, you were driving a 2012 Mustang in 1997?
    No, no you weren’t.

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    Rating: 4.5/5 (8 votes cast)
  17. … am I the only one who thought it was good..?

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    Rating: 1.3/5 (15 votes cast)
  18. I was hopeing Jeff won :(

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    Rating: 1.3/5 (8 votes cast)
  19. This isn’t a true VS. fight! Where’s the boxing ring? The refee? THE SEXY GIRLS THAT HOLD THE SIGNS!

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    Rating: 4.1/5 (7 votes cast)
  20. I visualised this crappypasta excellently by playing the Thousand Cuts theme from Borderlands 2 and imagining Jeff, the Rake and yourself as bandits with hillbilly accents.

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    Rating: 4.3/5 (7 votes cast)
  21. I Did like it not haft bad

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    Rating: 1.0/5 (12 votes cast)
  22. I’m sorry, but the story has too many plot holes, too many grammatical errors, and how can you get a ’12 Mustang before your dad dies 15 years ago, come back when you can make sense and a better story

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    Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)
  23. OH.MY.GOSH!!! I am rolling around laughing my head off at the fact that Jeff the killer goes all oh no you didn’t at the old man! Thank you random author for brightening my day.It was nice! ;)
    -SmartOwlGirl

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    • I really hope you’re joking, but looking at most of your other comments, I’m not sure.

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      Rating: 4.2/5 (5 votes cast)
  24. I think that this would make an awesome action movie. It’s got it all; time travelling dad’s, spoiled sons, murderers pulverizing doors instead of using the handle (that’s just how crazy Jeff is), killers fighting and guns. Also, I think that it was named “Pacemaker,” because those who see it in action get heart problems from the fear they feel.

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    Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)
  25. “We didn’t care the clerk smelled like diarrhea and alcohol. We were in love.”

    …Dude, ew. You can be into whatever you want, but keep that out of your writing.

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    Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

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