For those pastas that are smelling less than fresh…

(No Subject) 2


At first everything is quiet but the drips and drops of the water in the corner of the long dark alley. I don’t know where I am. I want to explore, but I stand in one spot. Fearing that if I move even very slightly, I will be harmed by something unknown. I then see something far ahead of me. Like a bright light shining waiting for a visitor. My curiosity gets the best of me. What if its the light to the end of this alley leading me to an exit out of this stray darkness? But then again, what if its not? I slowly walk toward it. Then I hear the sound of foot steps behind me. In my head im thinking – Dont look back. Dont look back – I just keep walking. Everything changes soon changes. The footsteps get closer, i walk faster, the footsteps are louder, my heartbeat it faster then ever. Soon my walking becomes running. The faster I run the longer the distance to the light seems to get. My legs grow weak. I soon just give in. I fall on the floor. Slowly turning around to see what i have been running from. Nothing is there. Everything is quiet. Now all you hear is my heavy breathing and my heart beat going faster then ever. I am trembling with fear from head to toe. I get up slowly still looking for any sign of something abnormal. I turn back around to the light. Im only a few steps away. Once again, my curiosity got the best of me. I walked closer. What I thought was bright and heavenly was now dark and evil. You then wake up. Realizing that it was all just another nightmare. Or was it?

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  • JarJarTinks

    First, you would do well to proofread this pasta for errors in grammar, punctuation, tense, and perspective. Second, you would do well to concoct a “so what?” element in the story; roller-coasters are fun for the ride, but pastas are largely dependent on a brilliant final sentence for complete enjoyability.

  • Kryss

    One thing that bothered me about this a lot was the ending where it changed from I to you. It wasn’t used in the right context to be able to do that in. The waking up from a nightmare is also very cliche. You forget to capitalize ‘I’ a lot, and it was very choppy in a lot of parts. You shouldn’t use sentences consisting of only six or seven words in a paragraph time and time again.

    There were parts that didn’t make sense;
    “my heartbeat it faster then ever”
    “I soon just give in.”
    “Everything changes soon changes”
    “Now all you hear is my heavy breathing and my heart” (you can’t change back and forth between playing both people, it makes everything really confusing.)

    Has potential, but needs to be rewritten and all the errors corrected.

  • ClockworkGoat

    Darn, Kryss! You’re taking the words right out of my mouth. I’ve read all of your critiques, and I agree with every one of them. Thanks for that. :)

  • Destiny

    Thanks guys this was my first story and i really appreciate the help. I’ll try harder next time.


    “Or was it?” Thankyou for the twist ending, M. Night Shyamalan.

  • ChevaliYAY

    My favorite bit was "I get up slowly still looking for signs of something abnormal". Because creepy, unknown dungeons are the norm.