CRAPPYPASTA

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Shining Moon

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I was walking home form a party i had went to that night and i will say i was a little drunk. But what I saw that night was no figment of my imagination it was something of a sadistic being that seemed to be fallowing me in the shadows.
A few hours before hand I was in my dorm room playing “Silent Hill” when I heard a ring at the door it was my room mate Ryan he was your average book worm short and his head roughly the size and shape of a large cantaloupe. he walked in and told me about his crapy day at school getting teased by everyone but i was lost in a trance, as if someone or something was watching me form the far corner of our disorganized dorm room. I recall seeing a pair of crimson red eyes that looked more like spherical rubies and a mouth that was a small slit and it whispered in a voice that sounded like three demons speaking at once and could make your neck hairs stand on end “Don’t turn out the lights” it did what i thought was a giggle and vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

I had decided to ignore what I saw thinking it was only my mind playing tricks on me from the game and decided to come back to reality where Ryan had been talking his mouth off the whole time. I sighed and slipped into my black hoodie and put my wallet into my pocket and decided to go to the party that was mistake number one.

It was warm that night so I carried my hoodie with me, and I got that strange feeling again and I spun around and looked around and saw nothing. Then I looked down at my shadow and what I saw made my knees week and my skin turn as pale as paper. Right where my face should have been where the two red eyes and mouth from before but added to this already disturbing face was what seemed to be blood running down from the eyes and mouth and the hands of my shadow was blade like appendages at the end of my finger tips and my hands were curved in a U shape. That was all I needed to see i sped to the party at full speed not looking back at my creepy shadow mistake number two.

I arrived at the party around 9:00 the time that it started and I started to see what kind of people where at this party, I saw the jocks the cheer leaders and some of the nerd girls trying to look cool and blend in. I was also trying to get the “thing” I had seen out of my head so i had a few beers and listened to the music and then someone suggested that we all sit down out side and look at the stars. Mistake number three

we all sat outside and looked for shooting stars and looking at the beautiful full moon shining down on us casting dark and detailed shadows on the ground. things went great for about half an hour and then i decided to look at my shadow again and there it was but it was moving independently and what I then saw made my blood run cold, It moved from me and got close to another guys shadow and it ripped out the throat of the man`s shadow and ate it. As I stared in horror I looked at the man and to add to my horror I saw the man`s lifeless body blood pouring form where the front of his neck was. The monster kept on moving form person to person soundless and swift killing every one at the party until I was the only one left and it returned to my shadow as if nothing had happened. The smell of blood and decay was filling the air and i left the party and walked back to my dorm and changed my clothes to a red hoodie and dark jeans and i found a mask from a halloween party, It was red with black slit where the mouth is and has two black tears falling from each eye. I left my room key and walked away and left my old life behind and now I am the Shadow walker so what ever you do Don’t Turn Out The Lights.
Credit To – The darkness of my soul

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7 Comments

  1. You know, I thought this was a really interesting take on shadow stories, but then it turned into just another evil serial killer story. It was a lot creepier before the threat at the end. I’m a little miffed that I was intrigued, only to have a sharp turn out of left field ruin my fun.

    But, on topic, I think the grammar is probably the most distracting thing to me. I is sporadically capitalized, which suggests you know what to do. There are also a lot of run-on sentences that became very distracting. The descriptions were ran the gamut from odd to cliche. His head was “roughly the size and shape of a large cantaloupe?” That is an odd phrase; I can’t say I’ve ever wondered that much about the size and shape of a minor character in a short story. Followed by eyes like “spherical rubies,” possibly one of the most cliche eye descriptions in all of creepydom. A bit more time developing rich and meaningful descriptions would elevate this greatly. The narrator’s decision at the end is bizarre, and doesn’t make any sense. It also is far less creepy than the idea that my shadow could turn against me and start killing all on its own at any time. Exploring his fear surrounding this would have been a far stronger story. But, if the serial killer route is the way you must go, at least provide some rationale for the decision to start murdering everyone ever. I also think there are a lot of unnecessary details that just bog down the story; the details about his roommate, the opening lines that summarize the story before I can even read it, and the details of party attendees don’t really add anything to the story, but just leave it feeling less focused.

    I liked the concept of the shadow that shows eyes and mouth of some other creature. It demonstrates that the shadow is not an inanimate thing, but something now with dimension and being. I think the description of the shadow tried to throw in too many details, when it would have had more impact with a briefer description. I do believe there is an interesting idea here, but the end aim dragged what were interesting components off track. This is a logic quibble, but shadows actually disappear in the dark. It could be an interesting perspective to take that the narrator is only safe from the evil of his shadow when in complete darkness, turning the dark/light dichotomy on its head (admittedly, shadows also disappear in full light.)

    There are some interesting concepts here, but execution is poor. The grammar alone is distracting enough to make it difficult for me to really get invested into the story. The first step to bettering this is to find someone or somewhere that could help you edit this into a coherent form. From there, really identify what the story is you want to tell, and what about it is supposed to be creepy. I think the shadow entity, something which possesses someone’s shadow, it an interesting idea, and could be used to great effect. I do applaud you for not falling into the trap of drenching a story in gore to add “creepy” to it, and I felt that those portions were handled with tact. There was enough detail to make it clear what was happening, without turning it into a crutch. Spend some more time, and work on polishing a strong ending instead of relying on overused plot cliches (such as the serial killer/ “you’re next” idea), and I think you could have something. Keep working at it, and make sure that your grammar is clean before submitting. You have some interesting ideas, and I would like to see you give them the care they deserve to really shine as unique stories. Happy writing!

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  2. Was this some sort of challenge? Let’s see who can create the pasta with the most clichés. Congratulations, it looks like you’re our winner.

    It was badly written, the premise, as mentioned previously is clichéd. It’s rather boring to read (I didn’t read all of it). The monster was poorly described and sounds like the same monster that haunts most of the pastas on this site. The red eyes and the sharp claws, read through ‘em virtually every “demon” pasta describes the same thing. The descriptions were odd at best and lazy at their worst.

    1/10 and a downvote, you didn’t try at all.

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  3. Not sure what the title had to do with your pasta. Everything from the red blood-dripping eyes to wearing a ‘hoodie to capitalizing your warning at the end was hackneyed. You needed to proofread and edit before submitting – far too many typos. I guess the sight of watching the party-goers being slaughtered didn’t move you much, since all your narrator did was go back to their dorm room to change their outfit. BTW – was there some reasoning behind the Halloween mask? Or did you just decide to add it to the story in homage to all the other ‘Look at me! Now I’m a masked killer!’ pastas. I wouldn’t recommend rewriting this unless you’d be willing to ditch the self-insert foolishness, and take the shadow monster on a whole different (and original) tangent.

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  4. Wait, so at first you’re horrified that your shadow is killing people, then you decide, “Ah fuck it, might as well go around and kill people!” instead of locking yourself away in a brightly lit place? That’s ridiculous. At no point in this story did the main character ever “crack” or have a meltdown of any kind. You didn’t even do the clichéd, “And then he went insane” or anything like that. He just goes from, “No, this is terrible! My shadow is killing people!” to “Meh, whatevs, might as well go let my shadow kill MORE people! Also, I’m going to start wearing a Halloween costume, too!”

    Use more logic when you write stories. I initially liked the idea of the protagonist’s shadow killing people, but I thought he would try to stop it somehow. However I was disappointed when I found out he just turned out to be another idiot who thinks it’s cool to be a killer. Also, quite a few grammatical errors. I would recommend a proofread or two before posting.

    1/10 and a downvote.

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    • But, If your shadow is killing people, locking yourself in a brightly lit place was be completely counter-productive, as you need light to make a shadow, and multiple light sources will just cause one to have a double shadow. (and The Doctor already shows that to be a VERY bad thing.) Would it not infact be more logical for a person to be in a completely dark room should they want to keep their shadow from killing people?

      It would seem to be that before you cast judgment on a person’s logic you should perhaps make sure that your logic is flawless. The story was horrible, however your comment proved to be just as horrible.

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      • While you have a point there, I was more thinking if he locks himself alone in a brightly lit room, maybe the shadow will kill him since it doesn’t have anyone else to kill. Or you know, he’ll still be alone so who’s the shadow going to kill if it doesn’t kill him? Then at least he can make some advanced shadow puppets while he’s alone in that room.

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  5. guys guys, lay off. he was drunk.
    just like he said in the beginning of the story.

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