For those pastas that are smelling less than fresh…

slenderman vs commando


it was a lonley night commando is 9 and he is slender the thing is weird things happen to him all the time he thinks it is his enemy but no just a moth so then there was a night when he was alone and he got on his computer and played level up he was cold scared and distraced at the same time he wanted to play something else and he found slender he died….alot and then the moment came he had all 8 pages slenderman got him and he thought there would be credits but instead he heard a deep deep voice it said “im glad you beat my game so ill give you a prize a fight” so commando looked behind him and there it was a tall thin ya that it was the slenderman slenderman grabed commando by his face commando head butted him in his faceless face and slenderman let him go then commando ran to the pool slenderman teleported to him commando grabbed him by his suit and threw him in the pool slenderman was burning melting commando watched him knowing it was not enough to kill the slenderman so he blessed the pool and it was holy water slenderman burned and burned he sat and watched and slenderman died commando saw the souls go back to there bodies and the bodies go to there homes and commando knew that he saved the world but your wondering who or where is commando well hehe im commando

Credit To: commando
Credit Link: slenderman

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Rating: 3.1/10 (196 votes cast)
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Rating: -104 (from 156 votes)
slenderman vs commando, 3.1 out of 10 based on 196 ratings FavoriteLoadingAdd this crappypasta to your favorites
  • Shogunfish

    As much as I hate most slenderman pastas I think he deserved to die at the hands of a more worthy adversary.
    Also, where the hell did that pool come from weren’t you in your room?


    Wait. What. I can’t even…….WHAT?!

    I’ve never seen anything this bad before, a freaking 5th, no, a 2nd grader can write better than this. I would’ve had an easier time solving a Rubic’s Cube blindfolded while only using a fork, than reading this story that doesn’t even deserve the title “Crappy Pasta.” -20 Stars for you, sir.

    • CrashCooper100

      Yes. A fucking abortion can write better than this.

  • Yossarian

    Man, I can’t believe people hate this. It’s brilliant. Seriously, if Slenderman could be defeated, don’t you think it would be by a 9 year old boy named for not wearing underwear? Not to mention that Slendy, a creature not known for any religious affiliation, is killed by holy water. I know I didn’t see that coming! And the line “Commando headbutted him in his faceless face” is worthy of Shakespeare.

    But seriously, please keep your self-indulgent little fanfiction to yourself. And can anyone tell me what is with this horrible trend of forsaking all punctuation? It’s not that hard to put a period at the end of a sentence.

    • Zero

      That is one of the best reviews I have ever seen. Seriously. And can someone tell me if commando is new or if its old shit thats been pounded to death like Jeff The Killer.

    • Faith

      Bravo! I love your reviews.

    • OhLongJohnson

      You sir, have just made my day with that comment

    • LithiumGamer64

      10/10 best review

  • matt

    well hey atleast commando kicked slenderman’s ass

    • craphunter1018

      NO ONE (including a 9 year old fucktard) can kill slenderman.

  • Teecha

    I died. A LOT :-).

  • shogunfish

    Yossarian, I just have to say, every time I read that comment I chuckle a little bit.

    and that’s saying something considering I have read ever comment on this post at least five times. There’s something about this pasta, I just keep coming back to this page. I think it broke something deep within my brain.

    I am honestly thinking about writing a parodypasta of one of those haunted file pastas about reading this pasta. Because I just keep coming back and staring at it.


    … I hope Slendy actually kills you now. Like actually kills you and leaves you in a ditch.

  • Kormedge

    I crai everytiem I read dis.

  • DeadAces


    1000Masks and I did a reading of it for Crappy Pasta Story Time:

  • Poodleinacan

    Holy water? Burning in water? Souls?

    … Slenderman lives in forests… Where it is humid. He doesn’t mind water.

    … And for the rest… Were you even trying?

  • Beefnuts

    aww, Its kinda sweet this- unless of course your not 9, In which case please check yourself into some sort of home…

  • The Dude

    Thank god someone killed Slenderman/Overrated piece of shit. Now writers can finally write about actual topics.
    p.S this was sort of funny

  • The Operator

    …And then commando was ran over by a train.

    There you go. I have salvaged this shitty story.

    • Ms.Not-So-Human


  • Rao the priestess

    Take it from a real fake priestess holy water don’t work that way

  • Shadow0Mori


    • phone

      me… i am phone

  • Komono

    Slendy is a vampire?

    • Faith

      That makes sense, you never see him in the daytime.. OH WAIT !
      Slender – day time mode. Darn. I was getting excited.

  • UndKeineEier

    Probably the most famous example of:


    • derpbutt

      Thanks for doing this, you’re awesome.

    • The Operator

      The original and the best. This is the story I use to introduce my friends to crappypasta, along with ‘man door hook hand car door’.

  • Joel Bevenour

    I died a little inside after the first sentence. Which was the whole story because he didnt use a period.

  • no one ever

    One of the best stories I’ve ever read! – said no one ever

    • The Operator

      I see what you did there.

  • Wiffle

    Alright, who were the 8 trolls who voted this up?

  • What

    The fuck was this?! I could barely understand it!

  • benfromcanada

    This is hilarious, man. Possibly not intentionally, though.

  • bravo104

    the only plausible thing about this story is that the writer is 9 years old.

  • The Operator

    (Time for another episode of DCA. Huh. Well, it’s about time, I suppose. (When this thing gets to Chapter 10, I swear, I’m going to be making a TvTropes page for it.) – Chapter 1 – Chapter 2 – Chapter 3 – Chapter 4 – Chapter 5
    Chapter Six – [YOU ARE ALREADY HERE]
    Now without any further ado, let’s begin the text-walling!)
    My first impression of Dr. Bright’s office was that it didn’t fit with the rest of the Foundation site. The containment rooms, the hallways, were all bland iron walkways, or failing that, whitewashed walls.
    Bright’s room has green walls, for fuck’s sake.
    “Glad to see you here,” he tells me. “I’ve got some weapons that you might want to use against 582. Due to the importance of getting it back safe, we’ve modified some possibly-weaponizable SCP objects using 913-”
    “Calm your shit, man,” I tell him, cutting him off mid-sentence. “I don’t speak technolingual. I know that five-eight-two is tall dark and faceless himself, but what the fuck is a nine-thirteen?”
    “Right. Sorry. Should’ve explained that first. Nine-thirteen – but everyone calls it the clockworks – is a room-sized box full of gears.”
    “Huh. And?”
    “It has several settings, which we can use by putting things in there. We can fuse objects together, make something super-powerful, disassemble something, and so on. I took control of a few D-Class personell to experiment with SCP objects, find combinations that could prove to be powerful weapons, and so on.” The moment I start to open my mouth, he begins talking again. “And before you ask, when I said ‘took control’, I literally mean possessed. Another SCP, another story, and I’ll probably save it for later. Anyway. Here are the weapons.”
    He picks up a bunch of stuff from his desk and drops them on the floor, prompting me to look through them. There’s a silver spear, a gun with a picture of a mouth spitting out teeth on the side (it also has something that looks like a needle attached to it via a cord), and a pair of shoes with red circles on the bottom. There’s also some kind of toothbrush, but I don’t pay that much attention to it.
    “Go on, try out the gun.”
    I pick up the gun, aim at the wall, and pull the trigger. Some sort of tooth shoots out of it and makes a sizable hole in the wall.
    “A gun that shoots teeth. Huh.”
    “When you need to use it, jab that needle thing into your arm. It’ll never run out of ammo. Don’t fire it for any longer than ten seconds undisrupted – it’ll start making you very, very tired.”

    “And if I don’t use the needle thingy?”

    “If that happens? Enjoy not being able to use the gun for four days.”

    Oh. Shit. That would not be good. I throw the gun on the floor and point to the rest of the items. “Quick overview on what they do. Time’s a-wasting.”

    Bright bends down and rearranges the objects into a neat line. “Right. Toothbrush thing can cut through anything instantly, as long as it’s dead or inorganic.”

    Oh holy fuck. I pick it up and strap it to my arm – apparently, the wrist strap on it isn’t affected. “That’ll be useful. What else?”

    “The boot things will let you jump as high as you want – good for maneuvering. And yes, they cushion all impact, so you’ll be fine as long as you don’t jump into the stratosphere.”

    “Okay. I’ll… try not to do that, then. And the spear thing?”

    “Spear thing. Okay. It has a radar screen on it. Tap on anything on the radar screen, then throw the spear and it’ll home in on that point. Aaaand that’s everything.”

    I strap the spear to my back, stab the needle on the gun into my arm (preparation is important when you’re going up against a faceless eldritch terror) and switch my shoes for the bounce ones. “So, let me guess. I’m going to-”

    Bright finishes for me. “-fight 582, that’s right. Find the closest forest, go in it, and get ready. Good luck.”

    I leave his office, ready for battle.

    Or so I hope.


    “Dell, you got the plan?”

    We’re at Dell’s country house, which is usefully enough positioned in the middle of a forest. I’m wearing night vision goggles, just to test out a theory. Dell switches on his computer and goes to a games folder.

    “Yep. I’m the distraction.”

    I nod, somewhat reluctantly. “I guess you can just sit down and play games while we wait for our friendly neighbourhood Slender Man to turn up. What’cha playing?”

    “Slender – The Eight Pages. Appropriate for this, don’t you think?”

    “I guess so. Will it, say, draw him out faster or something?”

    “No. I just like it.”

    I take position, hiding behind Dell’s chest of drawers. Dell starts playing. We both have microphones on to communicate with each other.

    First page. Nothing’s happening.

    Second page. It’s starting to rain outside.

    Third, fourth, fifth. I can swear I can hear something outside, but nothing bad so far.

    Sixth. The door slams open. I can’t see through it from my vantage point, but I’m willing to bet that 582’s right there. “Keep playing,” I whisper into the mic. “He’s there.”

    Seventh page. Every time I blink, 582 moves a tiny bit further towards Dell now. I can see him – it – clearly. But no static. Thank you, night vision goggles.

    Eighth page. Game over. Slendy’s standing right behind Dell. “Don’t turn around,” I advise him.

    Stand up, me. You can do this.

    The rug muffles my walking sound. He doesn’t notice me.

    582 may be right behind Dell, but I’m right behind him.

    “Surprise, motherfucker.”

    I unload five teeth-rounds into that fucker’s head before he has time to respond. 582 turns. The night-vision goggles start being static-y, but it’s negligible. “One-trick pony, aint’cha.”

    Honestly? Curb-stomping one of the most dangerous things in the world is a lot of fun. I draw the toothbrush (yeah, it looks stupid, I know) and slice through the wall cleanly.

    Dell backs off. I run out through the hole in the wall and wait for tall dark and faceless to turn up.

    The radar on the spear pings. I detach it from my back. The radar shows a red dot – me – in the middle, with 582 represented by a black dot just behind me.

    I tap on the black dot and wait.



    static on my goggles.


    I throw the spear. It flies into the air, curves sharply, and shoots like a rocket straight behind me. There’s a muffled ‘shunk’. Success.

    “Well, well, well, slendy. Looks like you’re all out of tricks.” I turn around to face him. The spear is imbedded through where his heart should be. “What are you going to do now? Annoy me to death?”

    As if to respond, a few tentacles began emerging from his back, trying to reach the spear but failing.

    “Okay, you could do that…”

    The tentacles began shooting out of him. Again and again. In no time he’s a writhing ball of flesh.

    “Yeah, I pissed you off, didn’t I…”

    Dell runs up to me. “Throw him in the pool.” He motions to the deep pool just behind him. “Quick.”

    Breathe. Run. Jump.

    I jump-kick 582 into the pool, and it is awesome. Next to me, Dell picks up some kind of rifle from the ground. I look at it curiously. “What’s that?”

    “Standard Foundation-issue plasma rifle,” he explains, pulling the night vision goggles off my head and strapping them to his. “Stand the fuck back.”

    The pool’s basically covered in black tentacle-matter now.

    Dell’s plasma rifle starts glowing, and fires a pulse into the water.

    Something emerges from the pool.

    The pulse hits the water.


    White everywhere.

    White is all I see.

    And then black.

  • poodleinacan

    At 9 years old, I would have caught Slenderman… Because I wanna be the very best, that no one ever was… And I want to catch ’em all.

    • The Operator

      Crappymon Jeff edition and Crappymon Slender edition

      Coming soon – Crappymon Herobrine Edition