CRAPPYPASTA

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He Is Still Here

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I was babysitting my little cousin, and I had to go put him to bed. I walked him to his room and he said, “don’t turn the lights out.” “Why?” I ask. “Because Grampa Jack has not left yet.” He answered, as I wondered who Grampa Jack wass. “Who is Grampa Jack?” I asked, frightened. “You don’t know him.” Answered my cousin, who oddly enoughs name was Jack. “When I am older, I kill your baby,” says Jack, “and you burn in a house that I light on fire.” I walk out of the room, and call his parents. “Um, hello, Aunt Keara, Jack is saying some wierd stuff, he says that “Grampa Jack” is in his room, and he says when he is older he is going to kill me and my baby.” I said. “Alice, your great grandfather’s name was Jack, and he killed a woman and her baby. But your uncle and I never told Jack about him, and there is no papers in the house, or anywhere for that matter, about him. How could he possibly find out?” My aunt told me. “We are coming home, do not go in Jack’s room, and you locked his door, right?” Said my aunt. “No… why?” I asked nervously.”Go outside, now.” Demands my aunt. I obeyed, and they drove up. They walk inside, and tell me to stay out. As I waited, I heard a scream. I rush inside, to find my aunt and uncle dead on the floor. Jack stands there, bloody knife in hand, a smile painted on his face with his own parents’ blood. “You are next.” Said Jack. Helllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppppppp

The author can’t finish this story. (Jack was here.)

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He Is Still Here, 4.6 out of 10 based on 14 ratings
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  • Acorns4u

    This story lacks potential. It wasn’t even scary which is why it’s in this category on this site. The way you wrote it makes me want to be “jack’s” victims. I couldn’t tell who was who and it needed more of everything to it.

    I regret reading this

  • Servonator

    The ending made me laugh. I hope that was the author’s intent.

  • Dr Alfred Frederick Dinglebottom DRCOG MBBS MSc

    Deconstruction time!

    “I was babysitting my little cousin, and I had to go put him to bed.”

    This is going to be rather pedantic. You should put in an “and” after go. It’s an Americanism that comes across as rather lazy. I know you guys cannot help writing in the manner in which you are ingrained but to me it’s annoying.

    “I walked him to his room and he said, “don’t turn the lights out.” “Why?” I ask.”

    This section is really choppy, I think this comes too quickly into the story. It would be more likely to work as a plot if you had built it up slowly over time.

    ““Because Grampa Jack has not left yet.” He answered, as I wondered who Grampa Jack wass. “Who is Grampa Jack?” I asked, frightened.”

    There are a couple of very basic spelling errors here. “Grandpa and was”. We can guess that you’re wondering who he is when you ask who he is. You really need to work on the flow of your story.

    ““You don’t know him.” Answered my cousin, who oddly enoughs name was Jack.”

    I’ll rewrite this for you. “You don’t know him.” Answered my cousin whose name was Jack, oddly enough.

    ““When I am older, I kill your baby,” says Jack, “and you burn in a house that I light on fire.””

    Sounds like a shit kid. I think you should shut the door and turn out the lights. I’m sure Grandpa Jack is old enough to find his own way out in the dark.

    “I walk out of the room, and call his parents.”

    You don’t need the comma after room.

    ““Um, hello, Aunt Keara, Jack is saying some wierd stuff, he says that “Grampa Jack” is in his room, and he says when he is older he is going to kill me and my baby.””

    Would you really phone the child’s parents? Kids make shit up. If his ramblings terrified you that much you’re probably too young to be looking after him.

    “I said. “Alice, your great grandfather’s name was Jack, and he killed a woman and her baby. But your uncle and I never told Jack about him, and there is no papers in the house, or anywhere for that matter, about him. How could he possibly find out?””

    I read this in an almost sarcastic tone. You’re trying desperately to prove that his Grandpa has come back from the dead and has told him what he’d done. Why the fuck would they name their child after a murderous arsehole of a Grandpa?

    “My aunt told me. “We are coming home, do not go in Jack’s room, and you locked his door, right?” Said my aunt.”

    Seriously? Your family are mental. He’s a little kid his imagination has run a little bit wild and is on the violent side but there’s no way any decent parent would say to lock his door. Unless he’s been a violent shit in the past.

    ““No… why?” I asked nervously.”Go outside, now.” Demands my aunt. I obeyed, and they drove up.”

    Ridiculous. You have a comma before an “and” again. What are they expecting the child to do? You’re presumably an adult (or at least old enough to be responsible for a child) looking after a child. I’m sure you’d have no difficulty in over powering him. How old is he? This is the sort of thing that you should have mentioned at the start.

    “They walk inside, and tell me to stay out.”

    Ooh what are they going to do to their own child? Were you actually thinking whilst you wrote this?

    “As I waited, I heard a scream. I rush inside, to find my aunt and uncle dead on the floor.”

    Oh great, murdered by a small child. What a pair of wimps.

    “Jack stands there, bloody knife in hand, a smile painted on his face with his own parents’ blood.”

    Ridiculous. Where the hell did he get the knife from? How did he overpower two adults?

    ““You are next.” Said Jack. Helllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppppppp”

    I said the line before this was ridiculous, what do you reckon I’m going to say about this one? I don’t think you put enough “Ps” in help. Thus far your story has been reasonably well punctuated (overly punctuated in some places) but here you’re missing the exclamation mark that would’ve made sure that we knew you were shouting help.

    “The author can’t finish this story. (Jack was here.)”

    Oh God! It just got worse. Were you writing this whilst the events were unfolding? It was good of little Jack to come along and finish the story. It’s just a shame that you taught him how to write.

    “The author can’t finish the story (Jack was here).” Is how it should’ve been written.

    1/10 and a downvote for this nonsensical poorly written story. There is a distinct lack of description and build up. I don’t think you proof read this at all.


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