The violinist frowned, disappointed.He looked down at the shattered violin, broken beyond repair.The violinist was vexed by it’s fragility. In spite of it’s at first seemingly sturdy appearance,it had not lasted long under the energetic pulls of his bow.However,the acoustics did interest him.The discordant ,yet, strangely compelling screeching of the violin had amused him greatly.Perhaps his next prize would too be of this kind.In truth,the music was all that the violinist lived for.He thrived on the melody, the sweet sound of his singing bow and the warmth of the smooth violin in his hands.Eagerly anticipating his next performance,the violinist quietly disappeared into the inky blackness of the night.
When the owner of the apartment opened the door, she found her son on the floor,cut in half,with a bloodstained violin bow lying next to him.A few miles from the ensuing scream, a softly played symphony could be heard.
_______________________
Hey Guys,I’m 16 and I’ve been a fan of this website for a long time.I’d love your feedback and any suggestions for a longer rewrite.Thanks for reading!
Credit To – Clevinger
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January 1, 2013 at 8:03 am
I couldn’t resist the footnote you included. Here’s my advice, for whatever little it’s worth.
You have a good idea for a story, and you clearly have potential to be a good writer. I loved your use of consonance (“sweet sound of his singing”) and your inclusion of the ‘violin’s’ warmth in his hands. Little things like that can turn decent writing into good writing, like they did here.
But what would turn good writing into great writing is: If the grammar and punctuation were cleaned up, as well as some awkward sentence structures reevaluated. (“Perhaps his next prize would too be of this kind” jumps out at me, but there are a some others that just don’t flow appropriately.)
Lastly, two facts: 1) He already sees kids as musical instruments. 2) It is physically impossible to ‘bow’ someone to death. Or, at least, so difficult that when you reached your story’s climax, I was like – ‘dafuq?’ Why not a hacksaw? It’s at least as much a bow as a kid is a violin, and it makes infinitely more sense.
You’ve got a lot of potential, and I hope to see a longer and more evocative rewrite.
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January 1, 2013 at 8:56 am
Really disappointed…..though on reading it here I realize it’s complete crap. I’ll harder next time.
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January 2, 2013 at 8:59 am
Thanks a lot Dave! This is actually the first bit of creative writing I’ve done since the sixth grade, so I didn’t have high hopes. I know my writing is pretty poor,and the only reason I posted this here was so that I could get some advice on how to improve it. I’ll use your feedback on my next story. If you feel that you could write a better version (probably) please feel free to do so. Cheers!
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January 2, 2013 at 7:33 pm
Short version: this isn’t a free proofreading service. Please remember that when you submit unfinished work on purpose, you’re wasting the time of a real person (myself). Don’t submit stuff just to get on crappypasta again, I’ve said it over and over before NOT to do this, that the submission form is for FINISHED SUBMISSIONS ONLY. It makes me annoyed when people do it anyway, because it’s basically a giant ‘fuck you’ directed at me.
As an extra guilt trip, you wasted my time over the holidays AND when I’ve been incredibly sick. I hope that you feel all warm and fuzzy inside for that.
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January 3, 2013 at 8:49 am
I’m very sorry, derpbutt. I’m a huge fan of you and the site and I’m very ashamed of myself right now. Won’t do it again.
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January 3, 2013 at 8:52 am
But I really want to be a better writer and I feel that I wasted less of your time than the guy who submitted SlenderTwilight or HAUNTED CARTRIDGE. Nevertheless, I am VERY sorry.
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January 3, 2013 at 6:24 pm
I’d disagree. Someone who intentionally wastes time and clogs up the queue with unfinished work even though it’s specifically in the rules not to do so is either on par or below someone who is simply a bad writer.
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January 4, 2013 at 9:08 am
No, I didn’t mean those guys. I meant guys like the author of Geekan Homany or Mouse House who write terrible pastas intentionally to get onto crappypasta; but without any desire to improve.
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May 28, 2013 at 2:19 am
Would you to quit fighting, or at least in the comments. Can’t yall use email instead?
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